Loss

I get on facebook today to see my brother posted

"Today is the ten year anniversary . of my fathers passing.Even after 10 years I miss him deeply.....I bet he is in Heaven hunting and fishing with his Dad an 3 of his Brothers.I look forward to the day when I can hang out with him again,well at least I have allot of memories of him for now...."

I myself have a few hand fulls of memory's of him. I spend my day today in thought. I had the most wonderful year with him in 2000. We talked and traveled and I learned about him.

He was sent to the hospital in November of that year. Cancer was the reason. Mesothelioma caused from wearing gloves lined in asbestos. He worked at the  Ford motor plant most of his life. When he passed, I was full of anger and sadness. I felt like we were finally going to be a family. But things changed. And now there is no hope. I felt rejected, unloved, tossed aside. When he told me to go in November. There are details left out of this story.  But when I was called on Feb 15 2001. I flew to be there for him till the end. Fear and sadness visited me that night. This is another story.

  I have this photo above on my desk top so I can visit with his burial place. With out flying to another state. 

This photo alone has a memory attached. It was taken 1 year after my dad and I stood on the very same spot. He showed me his parents, and family. He started to cry, and said. You never know how much you miss some one till they are gone. I stood there with my youngest daughter on that same spot and passed on his story to her. 

He now has a military headstone. But I have never seen it. 

My thoughts lead into analyzing the past today. The past made me who I am today. But I now chose how it will affect my like. Day by day. Minute by minute. So I will use today to work on laying down my anger and sadness.

No Fear

I did this maybe a month or so ago. I title it "No fear".
In analyzing this image it is a bit like me. Since a child I have not had many thing I feared. Except my Mom. LOL
And I was afraid of the dark. My Mom always left a light on. I do not know if this had any thing to do with it.As an adult I find it hard to see in the dark. So it is not fear. It is loss of night vision.

 Some people live a life of constant fear. Some can not even go out the door, to get something from there car, with out locking the door. I was one to never  lock the door. I have learned if some one wants something you have. A door will not stop them. I also have learned to not place value on to many material things.  A house fire taught me this lesson.
I am not totally with out fear. I am afraid of falling. I love the fact my kids are fearless. They ride roller coasters and many other adventurous things. I find I would like to fly through the air on a zip line . I saw this on the show the great race. It is like repelling, but it is at an angle rather than a drop. I also gained the fear of being hit in stand still traffic. I was hurt on 2 different occasions. Both times I was a passenger. So I would find my self in a panic when we had to stop on the highway. It took along time to get over the feeling of fear. But I did. I had to keep telling my self to relax. Get over it. The more I think about it. I come to the conclusion. I am only afraid of pain. Getting hurt causes pain. As I love to fly, but no fear of height or falling comes into play with this adventure.

One of my favorite quotes is: 
It is not possible, to control all external events;
But, if I simply control my mind,
What need is there to control other things?
Buddha
Have you analyzed your fears.  To see what they really are. So you can free your self of them ?

Cabin fever

Cabin fever is DEFINED as an idiomatic term for a claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a person or group is isolated and/or shut in, in a small space, with nothing to do, for an extended period Symptoms include restlessness, irritability, irrational frustration with everyday objects, forgetfulness, laughter, excessive sleeping, distrust of anyone they are with, and an urge to go outside even in the rain, snow or dark.

I have been observing my cats today to find they do have cabin fever.  They seem to fight any time they get near each other. Then they hibernate in different rooms. They stay away from each other with little to no communication. In the past this was and some times is my life too. You can say I am Crash. I long for exploration of the outside world. I just want happiness, fun, love. Where hubby is more like Reba, He wants to be left alone in his own little world. He angers and hisses easy. He has contentment with life being just as it is. No change other than some times a new movie on the TV. Where I do not like reruns. I need input new info. I have worked hard and experienced contentment. I am learning to master it but. I still have exploration through the computer. I live a virtual life. And have virtual friends like you. You can say I have life the way I want it. And still exist in his world.  You may say WHY DO YOU NOT LEAVE? Well I have been through thick and thin with this person. I signed up for better or worse. I can not abandon him. I would never be able to live with my self. Knowing this behavior stems from Illness. Mental and physical. Like a child with a disability. You learn to deal with them. You try to teach the child. But an adult is not always willing to change. Too if this is the beginning of Alzheimer's, early onset of demintia. I have to learn to deal with it.

A shift in attitude

Let it Snow : )

"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine." Anthony J. D'Angelo

I seem to be getting this message today.  We are still in blizzard conditions here in Missouri. The wind has been doing unbelievable things.  My daughter called and said her friend is stuck on the 70/54 Hwy exit that leads to our town. The wind there was so bad today that it not only pushed his truck and trailer into a snow drift. But he sat there stuck, and watched another trucker go in the serves station. Only to return and wonder who hit his truck. As it was now facing the opposite direction.   I was in awe of the power of wind and ice. I had no clue something that big could be pushed completely around, from a stand still position.  Where he is at is a good place. He may be stuck. But the Hwy he need to be on is now closed 100 miles +/- each way. He has 4, 24 hour places on that corner to find food, warmth and companionship. So he will be fine.


I am thankful we are all staying safe in our caves. The snow is so deep we will have to go out of a window to shovel the door open. On a positive note. If we do get the 30-40 mph winds and sub zero temps tonight. Maybe the wind will blow the path clear. But we have no where to go. We sent our youngest daughter and her 2 kids to stay with some one else. That way we do not have to worry about the little ones if we loose power. They are at a place with a generator.

Now for the shift in attitude.
Today I received a letter from Jaime talking about a shift in attitude. I read a post on face book talking of attitude change.
Now the prompt for Wish casting Wednesday is:

What burden do you wish to put down?

 So I feel I am going to follow the clues.
I am feeling good about the snow. In the past I had winter blues. But I decided to put it in my head. The snow is beautiful. I am painting a new picture of winter in my mind. Like the one above. The man Skeiron, was the Greek god of the northwest wind.I picked him to use in my art today. Because our wind is blowing from the NW. Both the stamp and building have his image. The snow woman is the one that just melted away. My Daughter and her oldest son, built her right in front of my Living room window. She was fun while she lasted.
This month though I will not only revive my life but I will add shift to it. As Feb has in the past not only been the month for Valentines day. But also On that day Feb 14, 1999 Hubby came home from work while having a heart attach. Feb 14, 2001 I flew to Ohio to spend the last day of my birth fathers life, watching him die on Feb 15. I use to have thanks giving on Feb 15, Because I was thankful nothing happened the day before. But This year I am going to celebrate the day it is meant to be. A day of Love. I release to the universe all the past memory's of that day. As they are over.
I will also shift my attitude every day to love.
I will no longer carry any burdens with me to the next day.

The Art of being Wise - addiction

Wisdom can be defined as having common sense & good judgment.
Being wise can be defined as making due use of knowledge; discerning and judging soundly concerning what is true or false, proper or improper; choosing the best ends and the best means for accomplishing them.

For me it is an every day search , thanks to the internet. I learn and grow every day. I feel like I find so may Wow moments. I also have been completing one or 2 digital collages for my wisdom journal each day.
The best one so far is in the tab above under forever changing.  
But in keeping with this collage the point is knowing what to over look.
This is some times very hard. When you know that some one is doing something wrong. You have to analyze how to deal with them. Whether you are right or wrong to interfere with there decision. Or do you sit back and let them learn the hard way. Some people have to learn from the school of hard knocks. I have been there many times.

At this time my youngest daughter is enrolled in this class. And this has been part of the reason for my past year of silence. I am guilty of not knowing what to over look.
So I sat back and let her sink or swing. She has reached rock bottom. And yet has failed to learn the answer.
So I sat down with her Thursday night and made her analyze her past year. Asking what is the main reason that caused all of her problems. She finally saw it was addiction. Yet she continues on the same path. This is hard for me to over look. You have to change if you want your life to change. For her she is addicted to making the same choice over and over.
It is as simple as example " It is raining and I am always wet"  The only way to get dry is. GET OUT OF THE RAIN. Stay away from water and you will stay dry.

I made a list of things she needs to figure out. And told her plan each day for the next 30 days. Live as if this is all you have. Make the most of each moment. Pick how you want to remember your last 30 days.

My day

The day started out, I was awaken by the air quality. My breathing was not happy. I came into the living room to find it was 80 degrees on the thermostat.  That explains my issue. So I went around the house turning off space heaters. I knew hubby will never turn off the heat. But I though my daughter would have. But soon the temp went down enough that I could breath normal again.
Not long after that youngest daughter decides she is going to go put in an application at a temporary job service. She asks hubby to watch her youngest son. This turns into a 3+ hour adventure. And leads me to believe she is doing some thing wrong.
I later went for a ride with the oldest daughter to get antibiotics for her youngest 2. They have Rsv. A virus that is contagious. And yes we all have it. I was just getting well. And now respiratory problems for me again. I have been sick since September. Having kids living with us again brings illness into our life.
But any way. Back to the trip with Amy. We had to drive to the lake area. Because all pharmacy's close at 6 here in our town. I bough some Advil cold to give it a try and they recommended to try Airborne .  It was like alka seltzer, as in you dissolve it in water. I was surprised it was easy to drink. It had a fuzzy orange flavor. But lets see how well this works. I am in no way being paid to test. I do not make money from blogging. But It would be wonderful if I were paid to. I really like blogging. I kinda feel like my words are not of use to any one right now.

I do not have a direction to go with this blog. I mostly share what I have been mentally working on each day. I did buy a couple of magazine today. This was a splurge. But I need to start creating  healing art journal pages again. They really gave me insight and helped me write in the past. Also much joy was found in there creation.
I seem to be such a self analyzer. And this leads to finding motivation on self healing. There are so many thought that run through my head. My life seem to be thought. I was amazed to find in Aristotle words that what I am doing is a bit like his life. I am studying and learning. And hope that I may teach others with what I learn.